Brokenness. Heartbreak. Inadequacy. Incapable. The desire to do more. These words echo in my mind. I want to do more. To be more. To give more. To love more.
Psalm 35:10: With every bone in my body I will praise him: "Lord, who can compare with you? Who else rescues the helpless from the strong? Who else protects the helpless and poor from those who rob them?"
The past few days my heart has been broken. My heart has been opened in an unnerving way. It started when I had the chance a week ago to talk to a teenage girl who has been cutting for 4 1/2 years. She desires to stop. To change. But she doesn't know how else to deal with the uncontrollable home life, etc that she deals with regularly.
It continued when I began seriously looking into getting my Master's. (I'm not sure yet that this option will be available to me, but I do plan on taking my GRE at the end of the semester.) I'm seriously considering the Women's Studies program, with a concentration in addictions and self-harm. So many young women are hurting and struggling to find joy and contentment, when freedom is only found in Christ alone. I want to share this freedom with everyone - to spread hope to the masses!
The thoughts lingered as I sat in Starbucks, pouring my heart out to my Abba, rejoicing that he rescued me from the miry clay. The hope and freedom I have in him gives me inexplicable joy!!!
I waited patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:1-3
It persisted after seeing a "homeless", "pregnant" woman standing in the cold at an intersection yesterday. I use those words in quotes because so many on the street corners of Hillsborough Co. are fakes, frauds, unwilling to work and instead beg. They work together and stash snacks and food in their backpacks, stashed in the nearby trees along with their bicycles. So as I looked at this woman, there with a guy, holding a sign reading "Pregnant and Hungry. Please help" I tried to determine if she really was pregnant yet malnourished, or if she thought wearing a too-big sweatshirt would hide the flatness of her stomach. I was in the lane furthest away from her, but as we made eye contact I prayed for her. I also remembered seeing her the day before walking down the road with the same man, carrying a large wal-mart bag while he had a backpack. I've thought of her numerous times today. Regardless of if she's truly homeless or if this is a path she's chosen, my heart still breaks for her. Has she ever heard of Christ? Today I brought a granola bar with me to give to her if I saw her, hoping to talk with her, but it was raining and she wasn't around.
Give me your eyes for just one second.Give me your eyes so I can seeEverything that I keep missingGive me your love for humanityGive me your arms for the broken heartedOnes that are far beyond my reach.Give me your heart for the ones forgottenGive me your eyes so I can see.~Brandon Heath
I feel broken. Inadequate. Unworthy of the calling placed on my life. The calling placed on me as a Christian - as a disciple of Jesus. The calling placed on me specifically as a pastor's wife and partner in ministry. I have been called to share the hope and freedom found only in salvation through Jesus!
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3
But there are so many! So many hurting! How do I accomplish this? I know I can only keep doing what I am. Praying for the lost. Sharing Christ as best as I can. Trying to live a life that draws people closer to salvation and Christ. But it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I have caught a glimpse into how the little boy with the 5 loaves and 2 fish felt when he gave his pitiful meal to Jesus to feed the 5,000+ people. He was willing to give all that he had, but I'm sure he sat there wishing he could give more - wishing he could do something else.
I've never looked at that angle before tonight. Never considered if he felt inadequate. But I do know this. God loves to use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise, and I am quite foolish so often. God is not limited by my inadequacies, my sin, or anything of myself. He is not limited. So I press on with a new heart, an awakened heart that is seeing and feeling a lost generation and lost world in a brand new way.
May I have God's eyes. May I have God's heart. May I love like my Abba loves me. May you too learn this feeling of brokenness and inadequacy. May we live lives worthy of imitating. May all who look at us, see the Hope that is Jesus Christ.