Kicked in the gut

I'm a doer, a Martha, a planner, a checklist following girl. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes not. Having a newborn I've been stretched. I have a great baby who sleeps through the night for the most part and is generally happy. But it's still exhausting. On top of a newborn, I feel the need to still keep the house spotless, cook dinner, and lose all my pregnancy weight ASAP (only 10 pounds left to go!!). This means I wind up even more tired than I probably should be.

But there's been an added burden to this new stage of life the past 2 1/2 weeks. Remember Trey that I've written about? He passed away Thursday...just about 3 months after receiving his diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic adenocarcinoma. Having a son now myself, my heart has grieved in ways I could never have thought imaginable just a couple months ago. I find myself wanting to hold Reed every second and never give him up - even when he's sleeping and I desperately need to be too. I want to soak up every second with this kid, because every second is a gift I don't deserve.

And so, I've justified my actions. I've said I wanted to be the new mom who still has a clean house, fixes dinner, take a shower every day, changes into real clothes instead of staying in pj's or lounge clothes, and care for my son all day every day. I've said that because of my grief and sympathy for the Erwin's it's ok that I'm not taking the advice to sleep when Reed sleeps. But then, as I was feeding Reed in the middle of the night last night I was reading my Bible and came across a verse that kicked me in the gut.

Psalm 127:2 - It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones.

Wow. God gives rest to his loved ones - me! It's great to not be a slacker, to want to work hard as a wife and mom...but it's useless for me to work so hard and not rest. To be working so hard and anxious about being enough or doing enough. Rest is a good thing!

And so, having been kicked in the gut earlier, and having a son who is snoring peacefully away (it's adorable hearing a 2 1/2 week old snore!!)...I'm going to quit typing and get some sleep!