Thursday, March 4, 2010

I am blessed. It took today to remind me of this.

Today alone I have heard of 3 tragedies to strike people I know. They are not people I am incredibly close to, but I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't break and tears weren't shed. A family I lived with in Iowa several years ago is now mourning a family friend, Jay, who was reported missing, and then found dead in the Chicago River today. Another acquaintance lost her sister-in-law to suicide several weeks ago, as well as found out that she has miscarried. Several weeks ago, one of our constituent's mom committed suicide. Such tragedies! Such sadness.

Lately, life has been tough on me. Without sharing too much and getting myself in trouble, I can say that I've been frustrated and angry and full of questions. I've questioned what we're doing in Brandon. I've been irritated with not having the answers. I've been grouchy. I've felt alone. I'm weary and overwhelmed. I've felt incapable. I've felt like a terrible wife, an awful pastor's wife, and a poor model for the students we work with. This image sums it up..

But as I heard the news of these tragedies today, I felt pitiful for all these feelings. Now, it doesn't mean that the situations causing the weariness and questions and such have suddenly disappeared. No, they're still here and I think most of my feelings will persist for a while. However, how dare I have a pity-party as a result of these feelings when so many are grieving to depths beyond what I've ever experienced!? How can I justify feeling overwhelmed, when these others are at their wits end trying to seek answers? No. I can no mope and mourn. I must face the rain. I must enjoy where I am because I'm not promised that it will get better than this. I must rejoice in my circumstances, because God has blessed me with life. He has blessed me with salvation. He has blessed me with one more day!

Jo Dee Messina has a song I love titled "Bring on the Rain". I've sung it countless times when I'm in this type of funk. Here are the lyrics...

Another day has almost come and gone,
Can't imagine what else could go wrong.
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.
A single battle lost but not the war.

'Cause tomorrow's another day
and I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round.
A couple drops and they all start comin down.
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head,
I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead.

No, cause tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain.

No I'm not gonna let it get me down.
I'm not cry,
and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.

'Cause tomorrow's another day,
and I am not afraid,
so bring on the rain.

No I'm not gonna let get me down,
I'm not gonna cry.
so bring on the rain.

So here I am...feeling like I've gotten a slap in the face. Feeling like a jerk for forgetting for just a second that I'm blessed. For forgetting that so many around me are hurting far more than me, despite the intensity of my own grief. But it seems like this awakening was what was needed this time. So instead of feeling like the image up above.. I choose to face the rain. I choose to say bring it on, and smile in the midst of the rain pouring down around me. I choose to look like this girl...


hippie mommie said...

My heart goes out to those families.
And to you, Rachel. Life is tough. Just because it could be worse doesn't mean it's not still hard and trying. Don't get too down on yourself for getting in a slump. That's normal. But cheers to you for making an effort to be more positive! Sometimes it does take a concerted effort. It's not a fun process, but well worth it! :) ((hugs))

And I'm sure you are right where God wants you. Even though you may not know why. Even if you and Andy touch just one life while you're there, it will be worth all the uncertanties you're going thru now. Keep your chin up!

Annie said...

i enjoy blogs where people aren't scared to put it all out on the table. So, Kudos, Rachel! I like your blog :)

Emotions can be my enemy at times. haha. Never fail to believe..."I know the plans I have for you... plans not to harm you... plans to give you hope and a future!"

I have a big box of beanie babies in my attic. I think of you sometimes when I open that box. :) :)

Candace said...

love ya girl!

Crystal said...

Praying for you & your friends. That's all I can say, I too understand the funk.

Kris Neldner said...

You're in my prayers, Rachel. Life IS hard...but God IS GOOD!! Hang in there!! Keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. Love, Kris